Sunday, December 4, 2011

Within Life itself

I'm pretty much psyched about posting the excerpt from my book here on my blog! Thank you for all the wonderful comments, views, followers, and likes of my writer page on facebook! I will be posting another excerpt shortly...not sure when but soon! I'm happy that people are realizing my talent. I want to take a second and realize other people's loves, passions, and talents. I am writing, it is what I do and what I love.

I love this song! Even though James Durbin struggled with having Tourrettes syndrome, he went on to realize his dreams.
You only live once.. so go for your dreams no matter what. It took me so long to realize so many things.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Under this Mask

Under this Mask
Under this mask that protects me dear,
Can you see the lies?
Under these covered eyes and ears,
Is it you hearing my shattered cries?
Under all this scar-filled skin,
Can you see through my disguise?

Under every faint beat of the heart,
When you can’t find the courage or the will to start,
Under the tears and blood on my face,
Do you see the empty space?
Under my truths,
Do you see my youth?

Under the attitude that I can’t control,
I, think I was given an unchangeable role,
Under this self-governing queen,
Why am I still searching for the perfect king?
Under all the bruises, scars, and busted lip,
Oh, that witch has got you whipped,
Under my pressure of being a good friend,
I am in a skirmish match until the end.

Under the struggle of being better and best,
I lost my true qualities,
Under all my long dyed hair,
Do my dreams and aims even compare?
Under this held up mask,
Oh no, here I am,
I seemed to have appeared.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Forever And Always

Forever and Always

You’re all that I want,
And all that I do miss,
As your smell still lingers on my jacket,
And your touch still slowly plays on my arm.
So much about you has made me realize that you were so perfect,
In every possible way,
Yet I could not see,
Till after you left me.
Is all that I’ll ever love forever and always gone?
Or is it just the fight that can separate a soul?
And break a heart,
But not harm him one bit,
Not even a tear,
Not even a tear he has shed,
Not for a single kiss we’ve shared,
When our lips brushed upon,
Smooth as they are,
Yet full of love and passion.
How can it not pain him?
When all I ever feel is yearning for his every glance,
And every part of his heart,
Greedy as I may,
Not for money,
But for the love that we once shared.
Will we be apart in a rut of forever and always?
Will I keep this fluttery feeling for you till you come back?
I do miss you,
Hope do I plead that you will come back,
One day saying, “I love you, forever and always.”
Or is that asking too much?

Monday, October 3, 2011

Looking At Myself in Writing

 I had a dream last night that made me think, made me take a look at myself. I kept trying to run away, pulling my pants up and tripping while everybody laughed; everybody including the people closest to me. It’s a simple interpretation. I was running away from how I felt. I was exposed, vulnerable, and clumsy. Truth is, I do feel like running away. I do feel like people are laughing at my exposure, my vulnerability and my clumsiness. I’ve been so stuck on finding people to help crutch me and love me that I never really stopped to think about what I was doing.
People have left me because of who I am, before who I was. My biological father was the first of many people to detach himself from my path, my life’s long journey. My mother and him met young, conceiving me not long after they met. They’d been together for a while, and she thought he’d be the one to put a ring on her finger. When he found out she was pregnant, he didn’t like the idea of me, of loving me or taking care of me. And though now, seventeen years later our paths have intertwined again, he is now a part of my life as another adult. But since then, it has been a rough, jading road. I’ve lost many best friends in my time, moreover just friends. It was usually the ones that mattered most to me. I will never forget my diaper-hood friend named Amber. She and I have pictures together of us eating at my little blue kiddie table. (Pizza and juice) We had so many memories. She grew up and she wasn’t what I expected. She no longer talks to me; we grew a part because of the person she’s become. Nothing against her, it’s just we became two completely different people. We have two completely different lives, interests, morals, and experiences. Although we made it to our early teens before we split paths, I’m still happy I met her.
I was the IT-Girl in elementary school. I was the fastest runner, I was popular, I was pretty and skinny and I had all I wanted. I would race sixth graders when I was in first grade (and beat them), I would hang out with the people that everybody liked and because of my athletic abilities I was skinny and could eat anything and everything and not gain a single pound. (Now my little brother Travis is like that). Everyone wanted to be me or hang out with me. Everyone talked to me, waved to me, smiled at me; I was everything in elementary school. I was especially boy crazy in elementary school though so I had a lot of “boyfriends” back then. I remember walking around the school garden hand in hand, playing football with all the guys and always getting the touchdowns (because I was the fastest runner), and being the best at bar tag. I still go to school with most of the people from my elementary. As I transitioned into middle school, my flock of birds moved on to another crowd, leaving me behind. I met my best friend the first day of school. His name was Tyler. We had seven out of eight classes together. He and I had so many inside jokes and giggles. We eventually met up with another flock; him and I. One person included a girl named Korie-Anne. She and I had connected immediately (and we are still friends to this day). The three of us were like the Three Musketeers. We went everywhere together; the park, the library, my house. I’d found that Tyler had feelings for me eventually and I grew to like him but didn’t want to ruin the friendship so I didn’t go out with him. I’d gotten my heart broken by a guy or two before I finally settled down for Tyler and his open arms. He was my best friend and I loved him completely. He and I would have been perfect for each other. Everything we liked, we liked together. He was the reason I became so into Batman, and how I started to write my book. If it weren’t for him, my inspiration would never exist. (Or I’d just be discovering it now). Tyler was everything to me. I know I relied on him so much that when he left, I fell apart. He was like my crutch for my broken body. My parents were fighting, I couldn’t find out what was wrong with my stomach (3 out of 4 markers for Celiac Spruce), and I was having trouble finding an outlet for my anger. He got me through heartbreak, he made me laugh; he understood me entirely. We did absolutely everything together.
The last few days of seventh grade were more intimate; hugging and kissing. He’d walk me home, help me carry my belongings, he held my hand and told me he loved me. Now, I’d heard him say it before; and I know you’re thinking how young I was but anyone can love. I guess to me, this one was different. We started “dating” then and did through the summer. I’d sit in his lap, put his hand in my pocket, he’d let me wear his sweater too. I’d been taken to meet his family’s friends also. We were so close, best friends and in love. A couple weeks into eighth grade, he dumped me without a word as to why. So now, the one I loved, the only way I knew to live involved him and he was gone. He was more than a crutch for my metaphorically broken legs. He was the wings to my butterfly, the ketchup to my fries, and the trunk to my tree. He was my reason to breathe, and the beat to my heart.
I lost a part of my soul that day. I used to be good at singing. He encouraged me to sing and I got a gold medal for it. Since his end in my story, I haven’t sung for real. His departure struck something in me. Since he’d left, that group of friends left as well. This was when I’d met Kylie, the one I’d recently had problems with. She came with a whole new set of friends. Kylie and I met by some stupid singing hamster. “Everybody was Kung Fu fighting” but that’s a different story.
I’d been so content lately even with all the BS that’s been going on. The last couple days or so, I was struggling with being alone, with feeling like I’m all on my own. I know I’m not. I’m so fed up with feeling like I need to rely or lean on a guy or someone else in general to feel happy or to remain stable. Tyler leaving was just a sign, a way for a life lesson to teach me that I have to learn to be my own crutch, to rely on myself. I need to give myself wings and learn to fly on my own. Being alone doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the world and it’s hard to accept myself and myself alone. I struggle with it constantly. This is one reason why I’ve felt so hurt and heartbroken after every single time someone has left me behind or stopped talking to me. Now, someone I was good friends with (Christian) is no longer speaking to me and last year, he was a really good friend to me. I’m constantly reminded of memories just walking home from school. He used to walk me home, tease me, hug me, and make me laugh. I thought this was another chance. That’s where my problem was. I was so hurt by Tyler leaving that I’m so focused on finding someone else to take his place. So many memories haunt me now. Christian and I would stop at our friend Eddie’s house and look at his blue ‘stang. I remember constantly looking back and forth between him and the car. We would laugh and smile and joke around because of how much Eddie “loved”’ his car. I liked him last year and he liked me back. He asked me on a date, dinner and a movie. I’d rejected him because I was with another guy, even though I liked him back. I was always flirty with him though, letting him wrap his arm around me. This year was another story. We hadn’t talked much all summer, but I’d thought about him and constantly thought about texting him to hang out. I didn’t. We met up at a football game for my school one day and started to chat. I told him how I felt. Things lifted off from there, though not the way I wanted. We began to date and had a “movie scene moment” which makes me smile every time I think about it. It turns out I’d heard that he broke up with me because he didn’t want to hurt me. (Trust me, it makes no sense.) It ended up hurting me anyways…. And then he stopped talking to me, which obviously hurt even more. Then I left him alone for a bit, talked to him a couple weeks later to see if we could be friends again but he just kept walking past and ignored me. So now I guess it’s over between us.
                So I’ve been trying to figure out what is so wrong with me that guys line up to like and date me, then leave without a word as to why, only to never speak to me again. The saying that says if they leave then their part in my story has ended is too obviously painful to hear. The way they leave my story is so abrupt it’s like life is living by that saying. No one has ever come back though. Now, it hurts so much because I wanted Christian to replace what I lost in the first place. I ended up with nothing at all. I know, it sounds like desperation… I wish it wasn’t.
 Even though his laughter and his smile makes me happy every time I see it, and that I love the way I feel when I’m with him; it won’t make him come back to me. It may be hard for a while, but I’ll eventually get the hang of taking care of myself.
                Although I may have had a life safer and better than others, I’ve experienced and gone through more than enough to teach me how to keep my chin up, stand my ground in the pouring rain, and make my dreams come true no matter the distance between the stars. If you’ve got potatoes, make tater-tots. Don’t make lemonade because lemonade is sour and I want something that keeps me going, not makes me even thirstier.
Ian, You are my inspiration. (:

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Love Within

    What does it mean to love? What is love? People take love for granted. It's more precious than anyone could ever think. The way someone makes you feel when they just look at you, or hold your hand. The way he teases you in the cutest of ways. When he gives you a comment, your heart flutters. Of course love for everyone is different. Not everyone has a "romantic movie moment" that some people have like a kiss in the rain, or running after your boyfriend because you were sorry to only  run into his arms and kiss him like there's no tomorrow. 
    I know that only four people ever made me feel extremely fluttery and nervous around them. I also know that I truly only loved two people. Three of them broke my heart. 
   I think that the opposite of love is loneliness because whenever I don't love, I feel alone. You can only do so much if it isn't enough. Love scares some people. Guys may say it in a relationship, but they don't always truly mean what they say. It's sad to think about how many people's hearts have been broken because the guy/girl can't make up their mind, figure out what they want, or use you. Everybody lies. The lies that cut the deepest always have to do with love, whether it be from your best friend, your lover, and some.
    I know that love to me is magical. It is everything. I may be young, but everybody loves. Everyone gets heartbroken. Even me.
Between my fingers is where he belonged and yet, it wasn't enough for him. Now look at me, I feel alone and just angry. I wish I could turn my heart into cold steel. All I wanted was you.

    Seeing you everyday pains me because I am no longer standing next to you when you walk away.
    Loving you everyday kills me because I am no longer in your arms like I wished for yesterday.
    Knowing you thrills me because I am no longer sad on my own like today.
    But wanting you everyday when I can't have you is the worst because you no longer love me enough to stay.
    This is how we were before you figured out I wasn't good enough for you to love me anymore. But you wouldn't care even if you remembered. If you loved me in the first place, you would have stayed.

Unlove you by Elise Estrada (: <3
Impossible by Mans Zelmerlov
Jupiter by Katy Mckallister Ft. Shannon Mckallister
I hope you're all having a better day and weekend then I am.
End Relationship: 9/15 </3

Monday, August 29, 2011

Life itself in Writing

    Hello world! It's another dreadful monday morning! I haven't written in a while, because I've been trying to figure out what to write about. So I guess I'll rant and see where this post takes me. :)
    Well, it's back to school soon. Only a few days left. School starts soon and I'm a little nervous, not only because I don't know my teachers. It's the usual beginning of school jitters. It's a bit exciting though too! I've thought a lot about my past years in high school and am looking forward to and hoping for a better year. High school drama hides in every corner. Also, the friend I mentioned a few posts ago that I've lost will be there everyday to remind me what happened. I'm not quite ready to confront her. I know I won't like seeing her because of what happened and how I felt and cried. I feel as though I've been betrayed. The drama will be hard to handle and I'll have to be ready for that.
Walking alone was always one of my weaknesses which was probably why I've always had poor judgement on choosing friends. I've lost many friends in my short life, and though some of it was my faultI never ceased to keep trying. That is one factor in my life that I'm proud of myself for. I've not given up on finding my life long best friend. My father always used to tell me that I probably haven't met my best friend yet. And while that might be true, there are still other people in the world that I can talk to and rely on. Walking alone is my weakness. I hate being alone. Sometimes when I'm angry or I feel pushed away, I alienate myself further so that I can distance my pain and exclusion. And although that might not make any sense, it all makes sense to me. One way or another...   
 Life has a funny way of making sense.

Things happen based on what choices you, me, and others make. We all make mistakes, saying things we don't mean, and forgetting things we never meant to leave behind. We're only human. Sometimes we forget, sometimes we say what we feel, sometimes we say the exact opposite of what we feel, and someone always gets hurt. We've all been on both sides of the street, being the person who says, and being the person who hears it. Life has a funny way of happening. 
Think about life for a moment. This song is the song of the day.
Wrapped in your arms by Fireflight

    Hope you think about life a little bit as I have today. It's important, it's short and it's made up of wonderful people and things that we are all searching for. It's going to be hard, life is. Don't share the same weakness that I do. Don't give up. Don't let go.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Life Within a Dream

I've loved but haven't seen, all I've seen was a life within a dream. Now it will completely stay, as if I'm dreaming my whole life away. All that we do see, is it a life within a dream?
If life is what's left out, then what am I screaming about? Thus I am in too deep. I think I thought that I shall weep. Weep, why weep? Can any mountain be too steep?
Rather if it's falling off a mountain, or playing in a fountain. I don't know what kind of dream this is. Whether it's a nightmare or a dream, I'm still lonely and still unseen.

Whether the world is in a flood, or has falling droplets of blood; hurt or pain, tears or rain. I just want to wake up from my bed, because the whole wide world seems so dead.
I've drowned from my own eye's tears, and been scared by my own true fears. I'm in a circle of invisibility unseen. I can't see them either. How can this be?

My own true sorrow now awaken, though my heart has many times been taken. Through times it is still breaking. To the world I am unknown, all I love, I guess I loved alone.
I'll take the chance and turn away. Night is taken away by day. I'll take the chance that I've been given. In agony and suffering from this world, I'll keep living. I'll keep on living.
Life within a dream isn't what is seems. One day I'll wake up, and it will all just be a dream.
Poetry By Rachael Soderstrom (: